Scientology annoys me, amuses me, and saddens me in equal measure. It is a religion that is ultimately based upon reading bad-science fiction, and having your self-esteem lowered in exchange for giving the organisation lots of money. 

Surely the free market can improve upon this. For example I am sure that I can lower peoples' self-esteem for a much better price and perhaps suggest some better science fiction to read. It's time for seriously fucked-up religions to economise for the sake of remaining competitive in the information age of free trade and consumerism. 

A major improvement would be to not have to take notice of Tom Cruise who is by all likelihood a fidgety twelve year old trapped inside a man's body.  

Scientologists come and join my church.  

• Every Thursday night we have detailed theological discussions such as: "Tom Cruise = man-child?"
• Also you don't have to pay as much money to be told the truth about the universe: “Thetans are rubbish, Xenu is rubbish and you're stupid to have believed in that. Those things make the Bible seem like a credible peer-reviewed source in comparison."
• We have a no-kidnapping policy 

I am also prepared to out-source the production of scripture to emerging markets. I'm sure that eleven year olds in Burma can come up with a more coherent religion than Scientology or any of the major religions for that matter. We'll of course pass the savings onto you.

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