Did you know that carrots can not only make you more virile, but they can keep you from seeing things too? Neither did I. And though it might be a different meaning of the word 'alchemy' than you or I are used to, loose definitions don't stop this site from offering this handy, and voluminous, guide to the alchemical properties of foods. And don't you know that they have something to sell too. In any case, as always, it's fun to laugh at the woo woos. Useful too since it helps to ease the migraine one gets by pondering their stupidity.

Cabbage is one of the oldest vegetables known to man, and the alchemists considered it the First Matter of foods. Today, there are over 400 varieties growing all over the world. Green or red "head" cabbage is popular in the West, while the broad-leafed varieties are popular in Asia. Esoterically, cabbage has a strong lunar presence and allows one to tap into existing bodily energies by stimulating the Base Chakra. In fact, several Greek philosophers claimed to live to a very advanced age by eating only cabbages. In Medieval Europe, good neighbors brought newlyweds some cabbage soup on the first morning after they were married, and cabbage was the first thing planted in their gardens to insure that their love took root. The fertilizing powers of cabbage were considered so powerful in France, that a whole folklore grew up around rumors of spontaneous "cabbage patch babies" that appeared from nowhere. [Water ++]

Cake is a type of bread made with flour, eggs, butter, and sugar. Cakes are thought to be easily enchanted and can convey both positive and negative psychic energy. Because they carry spells, cakes became associated with rites of passage such as christening, birthdays, and weddings. [Earth ++]

So if I bake a cabbage cake I can expect it to suddenly transmogrify into a baby? Quick! Call Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and Bill Frist! We need legislation outlawing cabbage cake eating pronto. Remember, when you eat a cabbage cake you're eating a pre-born baby. Oh come on, that's no more fallacious or absurd than what usually comes out of the mouths of the fundamentalist religious right. Which reminds me...

Persimmons stimulate the Base Chakra and are credited with healing problems of sexual identity. According to folklore, if a girl truly wishes to become a boy, all she has to do is eat nine unripe persimmons directly from the tree. Within two weeks the changeover will be complete. [Water ++]

James Dobson should love this. He'd actually have a "cure" for homosexuality then. Oh, and I think I know what's wrong with President Bush. Too many walnuts!

Walnuts bestow heightened faculties and invite the dark powers of earth. In the Middle Ages, the walnut tree was once called the Tree of Evil, because witches liked to conduct their rituals under it. An old superstition warns not to carry walnuts with you in a storm because they attract lightning. [Earth ++]

I guess we should send this site's cooking advice to the White House chef...

For the alchemical cook, the ideal meal is a balanced blend of universal forces, each contributing its own unique signature to the menu. ... So in planning a meal, the higher cook must consider not only the hidden properties of the physical foodstuffs but also the bodily, mental, and spiritual makeup of the persons who are going to eat the food.

I kid, but you know, there might just be something to this alchemical cooking. After all, look at all the computer programmers that subsist on a diet of Mountain Dew and Peanut Butter Cheez crackers out of the vending machine. Obviously Mountain Dew, fake peanut butter and plastic cheez flavoring stimulate logical thinking. So if we feed the same to woo woos then there'd be no more woo woos. Of course, then there'd be no more websites like this one either and nothing for skeptics to make fun of.

Now, I wonder what power chicken fries have? Allez Cuisine!

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