I have magical powers, I can prove it with the ideological arguments of a "truth seeker". You might think me incorrect, but behold my power.

This morning I ate some flapjack. I looked at the pattern of the oats and it looked vaguely like a guy with a beard, surely it was Jesus.  I knew this was going to be special day indeed.

Shortly after this event it started to rain outside. Now, surely this was more than a simple coincidence: it rained AFTER I ate the flapjack with Jesus' head on it. (I know the flapjack was holy and it could have been preserved for other believers, but I was hungry). It was then I realised that I had magical powers.

I had fashioned a tinfoil beret
In a dream last Friday Charlie Sheen came and told me that Bill O'Reilly was using orbital satellites to spy on my sub-conscious. The movie and film actor then relayed exact specifications for a special tinfoil beret that would protect me from such intrusions. I made the beret on Saturday morning and wore it all day. I had already used some tinfoil from cooking some muffins on Friday, so I recycled it; my beret did smell of muffins, but I didn't mind that.

I am certain that the protection of my hi-tech headwear caused the awakeness of my subconscious and my realisation of my special powers.

I can alter time
Yesterday evening I ate a blueberry pie. As I dismembered the crust I noticed that the blueberries formed a magical pattern on my plate. On the plate before me I noticed that there were 24 blueberries, the same hours as there is in day! "Wow" I thought, "what is this telling me... is it something to do with time?"

Sure enough when I woke this morning, a whole hour had disappeared. All the clocks and watches in our house were AN HOUR behind the rest of the U.K. After seeing the face of a heavenly deity in my breakfast I had realised that I was able to affect time: I'm sure it's possible, quantum mechanics or something, I mean who understands that anyway... something to do with strings caused it I bet... using the power of my mind.

I'm pretty certain that I can tie in meteorological phenonema, certain world events, pandemics and quantum disturbances with my eating habits in the coming weeks. I'm truly special indeed. If I shaved all the hair off a goat and ate it, I wonder what that would cause?

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