I'm the HR Director for a medium-sized company.  My employees expect me to deal with whatever problems come up during the workday.  Today, the problems started at 10 AM, when Phil came to my office.  He had a black eye and was rubbing a large knot on his head.

 "Phil!  What happened?"

"It's that job candidate, Modem.  There I was, asking her about her strengths and weaknesses, when all of a sudden, she pulls a Bible out of her purse and starts smacking me with it!"

Mr. Whiteman, our CEO, had called me the previous week, bragging about a sales guru.  He wanted to hire her beore the competition did.  He had warned me she was unorthodox, but this was ridiculous.

"What?"  I could scarcly believe my ears.

"It's true!  She started shouting something about men lying with men and then SMACK! She said she was driving the error from me"

"How did she know you were gay?" I asked.  

"I didn't tell her, Modem, and anyway, that is SOOOO not the issue.  This woman is a maniac!  You can't let them hire her!"

"Well, yeah, clearly not.  Where is she now?"

"She's talking with Ben in IT."

My course of action was clear.  I was on my way to Ben's office when Sarah stopped me.  She was missing a chunk of her hair and her eyes had swollen shut from tears.

"Sarah, what's wrong?"

"Oh Modem, it's terrible.  That woman that's interviewing for the VP of sales position did this when she noticed the picture of Kevin and me on my desk."

Sarah's son just turned six.

"What did she do?"

"She asked me where my wedding ring was, and when I told her I had never been married, she started yanking on my hair and screaming about loving the sinner and hating the sin.  I've never seen anything like it!"

"Did anyone call security?"  I asked.

"Oh, I tried, but Mr. Whiteman said they had to leave her alone."

This is crazy!  I thought.  "Sarah, why don't you take the rest of the day off.  I'll deal with this woman."

By the time I got to Ben's office, I had seen numerous other employees who had been assaulted by the sales guru.  Mark, our Director of Accounting, had been kicked in the butt after she noticed his NPR tote bag.  And Jessica from Marketing had been punched in the stomach when she refused to answer questions about her method of birth control.  Even James, our customer support manager, had had his ears boxed when he mentioned that he just bought a Prius.

"Seriously, Modem, she was talking about us having plenty of oil and saying that I was helping the terrorists.  She said something about hating America, but my ears hurt too much to make out what she was saying!"

She was still in Ben's office, punching him in the stomach.  She was yelling about Jesus being the fulfillment of prophecy.  Mr. Whiteman just stood in the background, arms folded, a silly grin on his face.

"STOP IT!  STOP IT NOW!" I shouted.  She turned toward me as Ben crumpled over, straightening her hair.  She picked up a copy of her resume from his desk.

"Hi!  Julia Christian.  I'm here interviewing for the VP of Sales job.  Good to meet you!"   

 I couldn't believe it!  She was grinning like an idiot, and had even put her hand out to shake.  It was as though nothing had happened!

"Mr. Whiteman, what is going on here?"

"Ah, Modem.  So glad you could join us.  Julia, this is our Director of Human Resources, Modem Butterfly,"

"Oh yes," she said brightly.  "I guess you and I will talk compensation,"

"You've got to be kidding me!" I said.  "You just beat the shit out of several employees and you think we're actually going to let you work here?"

"You've got a filthy mouth for a lady," Julia said, stepping toward me.  Mr. Whiteman intervened.

"Why Modem, of course we want a surefire winner like Julia working here!" he said brightly.  Then, sotto voce, "Do you want her working for the competition?"

"I want her ass in jail for assault!" I said. Julia dismissed us both with a wave of her hand.

"Gee, I don't know, Whitey.  I'm not sure I want to work for a company that's populated by people who are too bigoted to let me be myself,"  She picked up her purse and her briefcase, and turned toward the door.

"What are you talking about?  You broke the receptionist's nose when you found out that he's Catholic and you  kicked Jennifer in the stomach when she told you she didn't go to church!"

Julia whirled around, eyes aflame.  "And what kind of Xian would I be if I didn't inform people of the error of their ways?"

I was speechless.  She began to walk out.  Mr. Whiteman followed her.  "Julia, please, we need your expertise!  You can beat up all the employees you want, just bring us your sales figures..." 

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